Friday, May 22, 2015

Caught off guard

There are times in life when the little things get to you. The big things do too. They sneak up on you and smack you around and humble you with breathtakingly ruthless precision. Last night was one of those nights for me. When the unfairness of life and losing people you love makes you curl up into a ball and feel like someone is ripping your heart out. Yeah, I was there last night, and it hurt.

It's bad enough that I miss these people. You know, the dull ache that never really goes away, we just get better at ignoring it. The worst part is the realization that there are very few people anymore who knew who I was as a child. I'm not talking about people who physically knew you. No, I'm talking about the people that GOT you. The ones who knew who you were without you having to tell them. The ones that you ran to when the world was being mean. Almost all of those people for me are gone. And with them a part of my childhood. There are very few people that can tell me funny stories about myself at a time before I was able to remember...or that time or stress erased for me. Part of this is from a recent loss in the family, part of it is older. I always felt like the odd man out in the family, so hearing those stories made me not so odd and I didn't feel quite so out. These are the people that connected me to everyone else.  And they aren't there any more.

Now DH acts as the connector to everyone else, and it's a damn good thing he does or I feel like I would be drifting into an abyss. Maybe I'm just feeling my age and too damn many people that I love have said goodbye. Whatever the reason, I feel raw and unsettled right now and I want it to stop. Oh and I'm homesick. I'm tired of bouncing back and forth right now! Ok, pity party over for now. Till the next time it sneaks up on me and beats me up.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Maintaining Normal...ish

Wow, it's been a very busy year. I can hardly believe that it's been over a year since I posted on here. Lots of changes have happened in our house. I've changed jobs and by default changed the city we will be moving to after Harlee graduates this May and starts at MTSU school of Music in the fall, the eldest is busy working and finding out about life and love, and we found out that little man is on the Autism spectrum in November. 

In our house the word Autism has  become a code word for all things frustratably unexplainable about little man. His need for structure, his literal interpretations, his dislike of change, sensory defensiveness, and more. Sometimes it feels like we are standing on the edge looking down into this huge chasm of a diagnosis. There are times when we feel unequal to the task of raising this wonderful child. 

And he is wonderful. Don't let my description above throw you off. He is high functioning. Unlike many children with Autism he will try just about any new food that you bring up. He may not eat more than a bite of it, but he will try it. He is the cuddliest 11 year old I know of and he is probably the politest kid you will ever meet. The hardest thing for me is to know that others don't see what a cool kid he is. I've been around cars my entire life and I still can't tell you what they are by the shape of the headlights or tail lights, but he can. He can ride for hours in the tractor with dad or he's content just being with dad in the shop. This kid also LOVES to cook. He will pester me for hours about helping me in the kitchen and learning to cook new dishes. 

All this is to give a heads up to the public. Today is Autism awareness day. Learn about Autism spectrum disorders. Look it up, check out Autism speaks, ask a parent of an Autistic child about what it entails on a day to day basis to simply survive some days. Be kind. Be supportive. Allow yourself to be educated about living in the moment.