Friday, May 22, 2015

Caught off guard

There are times in life when the little things get to you. The big things do too. They sneak up on you and smack you around and humble you with breathtakingly ruthless precision. Last night was one of those nights for me. When the unfairness of life and losing people you love makes you curl up into a ball and feel like someone is ripping your heart out. Yeah, I was there last night, and it hurt.

It's bad enough that I miss these people. You know, the dull ache that never really goes away, we just get better at ignoring it. The worst part is the realization that there are very few people anymore who knew who I was as a child. I'm not talking about people who physically knew you. No, I'm talking about the people that GOT you. The ones who knew who you were without you having to tell them. The ones that you ran to when the world was being mean. Almost all of those people for me are gone. And with them a part of my childhood. There are very few people that can tell me funny stories about myself at a time before I was able to remember...or that time or stress erased for me. Part of this is from a recent loss in the family, part of it is older. I always felt like the odd man out in the family, so hearing those stories made me not so odd and I didn't feel quite so out. These are the people that connected me to everyone else.  And they aren't there any more.

Now DH acts as the connector to everyone else, and it's a damn good thing he does or I feel like I would be drifting into an abyss. Maybe I'm just feeling my age and too damn many people that I love have said goodbye. Whatever the reason, I feel raw and unsettled right now and I want it to stop. Oh and I'm homesick. I'm tired of bouncing back and forth right now! Ok, pity party over for now. Till the next time it sneaks up on me and beats me up.