Caught off guard

There are times in life when the little things get to you. The big things do too. They sneak up on you and smack you around and humble you with breathtakingly ruthless precision. Last night was one of those nights for me. When the unfairness of life and losing people you love makes you curl up into a ball and feel like someone is ripping your heart out. Yeah, I was there last night, and it hurt.

It's bad enough that I miss these people. You know, the dull ache that never really goes away, we just get better at ignoring it. The worst part is the realization that there are very few people anymore who knew who I was as a child. I'm not talking about people who physically knew you. No, I'm talking about the people that GOT you. The ones who knew who you were without you having to tell them. The ones that you ran to when the world was being mean. Almost all of those people for me are gone. And with them a part of my childhood. There are very few people that can tell me funny stories about myself at a time before I was able to remember...or that time or stress erased for me. Part of this is from a recent loss in the family, part of it is older. I always felt like the odd man out in the family, so hearing those stories made me not so odd and I didn't feel quite so out. These are the people that connected me to everyone else.  And they aren't there any more.

Now DH acts as the connector to everyone else, and it's a damn good thing he does or I feel like I would be drifting into an abyss. Maybe I'm just feeling my age and too damn many people that I love have said goodbye. Whatever the reason, I feel raw and unsettled right now and I want it to stop. Oh and I'm homesick. I'm tired of bouncing back and forth right now! Ok, pity party over for now. Till the next time it sneaks up on me and beats me up.

Maintaining Normal...ish

Wow, it's been a very busy year. I can hardly believe that it's been over a year since I posted on here. Lots of changes have happened in our house. I've changed jobs and by default changed the city we will be moving to after Harlee graduates this May and starts at MTSU school of Music in the fall, the eldest is busy working and finding out about life and love, and we found out that little man is on the Autism spectrum in November. 

In our house the word Autism has  become a code word for all things frustratably unexplainable about little man. His need for structure, his literal interpretations, his dislike of change, sensory defensiveness, and more. Sometimes it feels like we are standing on the edge looking down into this huge chasm of a diagnosis. There are times when we feel unequal to the task of raising this wonderful child. 

And he is wonderful. Don't let my description above throw you off. He is high functioning. Unlike many children with Autism he will try just about any new food that you bring up. He may not eat more than a bite of it, but he will try it. He is the cuddliest 11 year old I know of and he is probably the politest kid you will ever meet. The hardest thing for me is to know that others don't see what a cool kid he is. I've been around cars my entire life and I still can't tell you what they are by the shape of the headlights or tail lights, but he can. He can ride for hours in the tractor with dad or he's content just being with dad in the shop. This kid also LOVES to cook. He will pester me for hours about helping me in the kitchen and learning to cook new dishes. 

All this is to give a heads up to the public. Today is Autism awareness day. Learn about Autism spectrum disorders. Look it up, check out Autism speaks, ask a parent of an Autistic child about what it entails on a day to day basis to simply survive some days. Be kind. Be supportive. Allow yourself to be educated about living in the moment. 

Life lessons

You asked me last night why you get crapped on when you put so much effort into someone? I didn't give you a good answer. So here's the better answer. It may not be the best answer and it may not be the right answer, but it is a better answer.

You  got crapped on because the person you were investing all this time and effort into wasn't yourself. Society tells us we must be all things to all people, but it fails to give us the heads up that we have to be selfish sometimes and just do us in order to have anything to give anyone else. It is a common mistake to think that you can change someone else. The only person you can change is yourself. This is especially true if you are dealing with any type of addiction. You can show them how much better it would be if they would just do XYand Z, but until they make the decision to better themselves, it will be pointless.

We are always here for you. When you are ready to get out of the position you are in, all you have to do is say "I'm ready" and we will ALL be there with bells on. And you know, we have one hell of a Calvary. "You is smart, you is kind, you is important" and I hope you remember that in the coming days when the self doubt hits. Just remember, I know that you can do anything you set yourself to do, you just have to want it bad enough to follow through. So you goofed, it's okay, we all goof. Sometimes we manage to extricate ourselves from the goof intact, sometimes it takes a chunk out of our hide in the process. It is only failure if you don't learn from it.

I'm rich!

Normally I don't post about work, but today I am making an exception because it was so incredibly sweet and so true.

Admitted a patient with an arm fracture yesterday. She was elderly and had many other things going on with her health. As I'm going through the admission process with her, we talk about several things including children. Yesterday was slower than normal and I was able to spend a bit of time in her room just getting to know her. We spoke of favorite books, authors, music and composers, and again of children. As I was telling her about my crew, she had this look of delight on her face. I asked her if she would like to see a picture of my crew at which point she said "of course!" with great enthusiasm. So I pulled out my phone and showed her pics of hubby and the kids. Her response was beautiful. "How rich you are with your family".
I agreed with her and we continued on with the rest of the day, but her words stuck with me so I am sharing them with you today.

Yes, I am rich beyond measure and it has nothing to do with money, career, or status and everything to do with the blessings I have in my family.

So as we near the Thanksgiving holiday and black Friday madness, don't forget the real meaning of being "rich".

Catching up or catching my breath

It's been a while (does anyone else cue the Staind song when they read that?) since I've posted on here. Life has definitely been speeding along at a breakneck pace.  Let's see, we went to Madison for the Regatta, went to Detroit for the Goldcup a week later, several trips to Illinois, and our own particular brand of chaos with work, school, and band activities.

I changed apartments in August, as well as celebrated my 18th anniversary. August also brought the beginning of the school year with changes for Boo and little man. Boo got a new band director and little man is going to a new school. Both issues have had their own hurdles and challenges. All I can say is, this too shall pass.

Work has been interesting with a new patient care model being rolled out on our sister unit. I'm withholding judgement till I work over there a few more times. Sometimes what looks good and makes sense on paper, doesn't work out like we think it will. The fall season also means we get nursing students on our unit to shepherd through clinicals. These students are curious, bright eyed and, very willing to ask good questions and to jump in to learn new things, I'm sure they will go far as they finish out their schooling. I found out that the baby nurse that I precepted this summer will be speaking at her class's Pinning ceremony in May. So proud of her!

Speaking of pinning. My SIL will be graduating with her BSN in December. She has grown SOOOO much as a human being in the last 4 years and I couldn't be more proud of her. So on December 14th we will celebrate all of her hard work and success.

It's cold wet and rainy outside today so I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't want to stay cooped up all day, but then again, I don't want to go outside and get wet! Oh well, I'm sure I'll think of something to get into. Hope everyone has a safe and happy Halloween! Till next time.

Odds and Ends

It's been a bit crazy around here for the past few weeks. I haven't seen Tn for what seems like an eternity in between working and mini-vacations.

1st off after my last post was the Madison Regatta the weekend after July 4th. Unfortunately mother nature decided to sulk and the Ohio river was too high to race the boats. The upside was that we got to spend more time with family than we usually do.

Last weekend was the Gold Cup in Detroit. Had some fun in the sun watching some great boat racing (even if our favorite driver got shafted in the final). Little man got to meet Steve David several times (his idol) and had some great conversations with him over the course of the weekend as well as getting to spend time with his cousins. Harlee couldn't quit smiling at all the photo subject matter with the boats and people (even if she killed the camera battery half way through Sunday lol). I think she wants to go next year.

This week at work has been CRAZY!!! I have decided that I really dislike doing 3 days in a row because I am beat at the end of it. Still love my job though (and Louisville, much to hubby's chagrin).

Yesterday was my externs last day. I am sad to see her go, but I know that she will do great things as she finishes school and decides where she wants to go from there. She gave me a beautiful card and flowers Tuesday and a great goody basket yesterday. I will definitely miss having my shadow. But the upside is that she is going to school in Nashville so hopefully we will keep in touch! Lunch today with her at one of my favorite places so I don't think it will be hard. =)

I was nervous when my boss told be that I would be precepting a baby nurse (you want me to teach them?!....Gulp!). However, I learned a lot from the experience and it solidified my desire to go back for my Ph. D in nursing so that I can continue the journey that will take me to teaching in some form or fashion. I've had some great role models in my life for teaching. I have an Uncle who teaches music in Illinois, an Aunt who retired from teaching music in Florida (both at the University level), and my grandmother  (dad's side) was also a teacher. Never thought I would be continuing that tradition! Now off to lunch :)

I hope every one is having a great summer!

Happy Birthday Dad

Today would have been Dad's 65th birthday. Seems so surreal that he's not there for me to call anymore. Many times in the past 4 months I've wanted to pick up the phone and talk to him. He always laughed when I shaved Lil man's hair into a mohawk in the summer. He would have been the perfect person to teach the girls how to drive a stick shift since not much rattled him driving wise. He did manage to teach me without losing his temper lol.

Dad and I didn't have the best of relationships. There was a lot of water and hurt under the bridge. I think we both wanted more but we didn't know how to get there. I think in some ways we were too much alike. Both of us kept our emotions close to our chests. There is a downfall to having poker faces. We hide the hurt others cause us and just soldier on. Doesn't necessarily make for healthy relationships sometimes.

I try to stay away from what ifs on this one. Just as I mourn for the loss of my Dad, I also mourn for what might have been. There are no guarantees that if things were different that they would be better. I just wish I would have been able to hear his voice one more time and have one more bear hug.

Miss you Dad.